30 Things I’ve Learnt Before 30

In the spirit of procrastination and kissing goodbye to my twenties, here is a list absolutely nobody asked for on 30 things I’ve learnt before 30.

1. Your capacity for putting up with bullshit will dwindle as the years go by. It’s a great joy of getting older.

2. If you’re in the wrong, apologise and mean it. Be an adult and own when you’ve fucked up.

3. If you like something someone is wearing or their cool hair, tell them – even if you’re on the tube! It might make their day when they feel really shit.

4. Getting drunk by yourself at home is really fun.

5. If you’re still thinking about the shoes/coat/dress a week later, buy it. That’s how you know you really love it, and you should only buy clothes you love and make you feel six inches taller.

6. Until we have basic compulsory education around politics, you’re gonna have to teach yourself. Read and more importantly, listen to people from different backgrounds and areas to you. Form your own opinion, don’t adopt someone else’s.

7. Music is one of the great joys of life. Oh and who gives a fuck if you like music that isn’t deemed ‘cool’. Crank up that Les Mis soundtrack and you do you.

8. It is nigh on impossible to get over someone if they are still in your life. Get the space you need. Out of sight, out of mind.

9. Related: stop stalking him/her and his/her new girlfriend/boyfriend on social media. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT. You are torturing yourself.

10. Pull the all nighter. Your friends’ and your own priorities will change one day, enjoy dancing until 7am with your mates whilst it lasts. When you look back, you won’t remember the nights you got loads of sleep.

11. Never ask a woman when she is going to have a baby.
a) Her womb is none of your fucking business
b) You have no idea if she’s trying and it’s not going well
c) IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS

12. Social media is a double edged sword. When it stops making you laugh or smile, it’s time to take a break. And for the love of God, remember that it’s a highlights reel; people editing their life and letting you see what they want you to.

13. There is joy in a perfectly timed or chosen GIF.

14. Sometimes staying silent is far, far more powerful than shouting at someone.

15. Anger is exhausting. Draining. Sometimes you’re angry for a very long time, but it will lessen and eventually go away. It’s such a relief when it does.

16. Weddings are the best parties.

17. Always buy good bread and good coffee.

18. Don’t tell someone to “smile, it may never happen”. It may have just happened. You have no idea what someone is going through.

19. Travel as much as you can. Revel in other cultures. Eat pasta in Italy. Drink €3 wine in France. Always say hello, goodbye, please and thank you in the local language.

20. By all means, eat leftover takeaway for breakfast – you are an adult and you can do what the fuck you want. But eat your vegetables too, because if you eat enough crap I promise you you’ll feel crap. BALANCE, GUYS.

21. Learning to say “no” more is bloody hard but one of the best things you can do for yourself. It’s difficult but it gets easier the more you do it.

22. Number 21 does NOT give you license to cancel on people last minute without genuine reason. Say no at the off set, or pre warn someone if you’re not sure yet if you’ll be there.

23. Stop drunk texting and calling. It makes The Fear so much worse.

24. Hangovers truly do get worse the older you get. The two day hangover is no myth. Enjoy your bounce back whilst you have it as it’s only going to plummet. Sleep is key to getting over it and rehydration sachets are always a good idea.

25. It is not the fault of the customer service staff on the phone that you’re having to complain about something. Don’t scream at them, don’t be a dick to them; say that you know it isn’t their fault but you’re very frustrated right now.

26. Send cards! Engagement cards, birthday cards, new house, congratulations, thank you cards – it’s lovely to know someone’s thought about you enough to pop a few words in the post.

27. If you have credit card debt, make sure it is interest free. So easy to do and will save you buckets in the long run. That’s either more money left over to clear the debt, or more money to spend on wine.

28. Some friendships just run their course. That’s okay. On the flip side, it’s also never too late to make new ‘old’ friends. Invest in the friendships that make you happy.

29. The best drinks to drink if you are required to get back on it are mimosas and medicinal red wine.

30. No one has a guide book. Everyone’s just doing their best and we all cock up from time to time. We’re all making it up as we go along and as long as we’re having some laughs along the way, we’re doing more than okay.

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK.

N.B. First posted on Twitter.